Theatre in London is wildly expensive these days, much like everything else. But the current programme of reheated classics and declassé musicals will mean that theatre in London will soon be irrelevant and unpopular, which would be a bad thing. So, behold: our plan to save the jewel in London’s cultural crown.
Thriller – Live. No, Seriously.
Given the enormous advances in medical technology over the last 15 years, the Cameron Mackintosh Company feel that now is the moment to reanimate the pristine remains of controversial philanthropist, Michael Jackson, for a stage show like no other. Combining themes from both his hit album, Thriller, and his abortive final stadium tour, This Is It, the revivified child star is in imperious form, manning an on-stage ferris wheel, cavorting with the undead, and closing the show with a theatrical rebuke to the man that slayed him, Dr. Conrad Murray. Adults only.
Legally Blondi: The Musical
Hitler’s dog is a hotshot lawyer. Who sings.
Jersey Boys
Audiences have grown tired of American stories on British boards – it’s time to bring this story closer to home. Four sons of the Bailiwick – a dairy farmer, two Nazi scions and a school friend of Henry Cavill – sing bilingual doo-wop tunes about the rural, austere isle of Jersey. Tax buffs will love their a capella tribute to the island’s financial services industry, but more sensitive theatregoers should look to depart before ‘July, 1940 (Oh, What a Night)’.
Magic Mike XXL
In a homegrown take on the classic, Britain’s favourite Mikes strip for an audience of hysterical mums. Michael Palin, Michael Owen, Michael Caine, George Michael (in hologram format), Michael (Mick) Lynch, Michael Billington, Michael Bublé, Princess Michael of Kent. All of them stark bollock naked.
The History Boys
Alan Bennett’s schoolyard romp is revived, with the same cast from 2004 National Theatre production, but with James Corden now replacing Richard Griffiths in the role of Hector. There’s a bit of a rewrite to the final act, too, as Hector survives his motorcycle crash to face justice in the courts for his decades of pederasty. Bandaged, bruised, but with A.E Houseman poems to hand – it’s the quiver in Corden’s eyes as he’s sentenced to 15 years in a Category A prison that keeps the audience coming back for more (well, so the critics say).
The Crucible
‘I should have roared you down when first you told me your suspicion,’ says Jonny Lee Miller, in the role of John Higgins. ‘But I wilted, and, like a Christian, I confessed.’ After one too many female-inflected reimaginings of the famous pilgrimite cancel-culture parable, this latest performance of The Crucible is set in the wake of the 2010 World Snooker Championships, as the world number one is blighted by tabloid accusations of match-fixing. Laughs are admittedly sparse, but one can’t help but be moved by the scene where the ‘Fake Sheikh’, Mazher Mahmood, is crushed under a large pile of rocks.
Big Shop of Horrors
A musical that is set in Selfridges.
