Shepherd’s Bush Camorra
- Key quotes: ‘I don’t like what the Spectator is turning into’ ‘I reread Decline and Fall each year’ ‘I had never thought Rishi Sunak had such brutal instincts’.
- Where to find them: Glyndebourne but never ROH or ENO; Hay-on-Wye but never Glastonbury; Colbert but never the Royal Court; book launches for biographies of eminent Victorians but never new novels.
- Special abilities: joining the Conservatives to vote for Jeremy Hunt in the leadership election; strange, slightly sexual rapport with bright young men; discussing the economy as though they understand it.
- Shop the look: ultralight wireframe glasses with string (£169); Cordings Tweed Jacket (£350); voting for the winning party in every single election since 1997 (priceless).
Statue Defender
- Key quotes: ‘Churchill was the saviour of this country’; ‘If I had my way I’d lock the louts up and throw away the key’; ‘I’m a lifelong Labour voter but also haven’t voted for them since 1997’.
- Where to find them: the comments section of articles about the BBC; the comments section of articles about Meghan Markle; the OfCom complaints inbox; station pubs; various entirely unthreatened statue bases around the country.
- Special abilities: using a 2% mandate to speak for the entire British public; suddenly caring about the posthumous reputation of Walter Raleigh; accidentally becoming symbols of tolerance when a passing stranger saves their life in sight of the world’s press.
- Shop the look: green suede Adidas Gazelles (£54.95); wide-leg XL blue Raf Simons Jeans (£85.69 with Vestiare collective); Hugo Boss cotton-piqué loose fit white polo shirt (£119.95).
