Picture, for a moment, the following scenario: society has completely collapsed. All the scriptures were correct – the whole seven seals business, the horsemen, all of it – and now everything is just desolate, trashed. The vengeful gods have come down from the skies, having seen just about enough of us, and decided to clear house. But we’ve still got a dog in the fight; we’re still knocking around, occasionally being menaced by seraphim. We owe it to ourselves to have one last crack at defeating the heavens. Surely we haven’t got this deep into our run as a species to take that sort of behaviour lying down?
How would we do it? The solution is obvious: nominate a celebrated mixed martial artist on behalf of the human race to build and train an elite fighting squad capable of repelling our angelic conquerors.
And while that may seem like a fairly redundant next step to point out, of course that’s Step One, it’s much harder to move on to Step Two: finding the right fighting coach.
Luckily, we’ve found the perfect man for the job: Dan ‘The Beast’ Severn, the UFC Hall of Famer, NWA Worlds Heavyweight Champion and two-time All-American college grappler. A man who could, and I’ll put this as bluntly as possible so as to avoid ambiguity, beat the shit out of anyone.
We wargamed this exact scenario with Severn and, to jump-start his teambuilding, provided the Beast with seven fighter candidates who we thought may appeal. With his keenly trained eye, Severn studied their frames, flaws and fundamentals, analysing them through his own inimitable, battle-hardened rubric. On the following page are his frank assessments.
We even settled on a name for the fight squad. A seven-strong crew led by Dan Severn, comprised of noble, fearsome warriors – samurai if you will – for a team titled, you guessed it, ‘Dirty Dan’s Ruff‘n’Tuff Brawl Brigade’.
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CANDIDATE NO. 1:
Name: Duncan Ferguson
Profession: Footballer
The Beast says: ‘He’s athletically fit, so he’s way ahead of most people. Is he trainable? Yeah, but since he’s clearly something of a scuffler, I don’t know if I could control the mind aspect of him.’
Verdict: IN
