Finalise your fantasy teams, book out your Saturday afternoons – a new season is here for Britain’s favourite spectator sport; yes, that’s right, Parliament. The freaks, saddos and weirdos we elect as regional delegates have fresh terrain to demonstrate just how cretinous they’re capable of being in the public eye. This is where legends are made.
But how does this current crop stack up to the chamber’s long and illustrious history of cast-iron, heavens-to-Betsy freakazoids? To find out, we prepared a longlist of Parliament’s greatest oddballs. Said longlist was way too long, so we had to be brutal, limiting ourselves to frontbenchers, cabinet ministers; people who actually had some kind of sway over state apparatus. Then we trimmed down harder: no monsters or nonces or squares, but those imbued with intangible freakiness.
What we were left with was nothing short of the strongest squad of freaks ever assembled – the 1970 Brazil side of freaks, who could take on any opposition past or present, at home or abroad. If you thought the 2019 intake was bad, then let us introduce you to: Freaks United.
william ewart gladstone
(The Gaffer)
The mutton-chopped weirdo is arguably the most successful freak ever to infiltrate the Premier League of British politics, with Queen Victoria confiding in Benjamin Disraeli that she earnestly believed ‘The Grand Old Man’ to be insane. His hobbies include prostitutes and tree-chopping. Believes he has access to a divine ‘higher gift’ which enables him to flawlessly read public opinion.
starting side
john stonehouse
(Goalkeeper)
Born and raised in Southampton, but having declared for the Czech Republic, the goalie the fans call ‘Agent Kolon’ is a key member of the squad – with an unfortunate tendency to go missing before vital games.
lord longford
(Left Back)
