SOME BACKGROUND

For millennia, we have categorized people into taxonomies to explain who they really are. Efforts to understand personality have always appealed to external standards of Truth. Astrology and the enneagram find insight in the divine. The Myers-Briggs Test and Big Five Personality Traits claim to harness the science of who we are.

Yet, the old systems are collapsing. Rigour and standards do not matter anymore. It’s time to invent a universal personality taxonomy system based on nothing but whim and vibes. Enter, The Based Evil Turbulence Index – also known as ‘BETI’ – the world’s first, best and only vibes-based personality system. BETI has opinions on everything from politics and romance to HR decision-­making, celebrity commentary. BETI provides insight and guidance on all big questions. BETI is based on three vectors:

1. THE NORMIE-BASED SPECTRUM

Do you have mainstream worldview or are you ‘pilled’ on a subversive ideology? Normie is straightforward. You probably like missionary sex, Ed Sheeran, The Rest Is Politics, and think Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide. Whereas to be ‘pilled’ is to have some sort of unhealthy all-consuming way of seeing things. This could simply be free-market fundamentalism, Stalinism, or violent religious zealotry. Or perhaps something spicier, maybe you are a Ba’athist or are radically committed to a Bolivian mystic neo-Luddite movement.

2. THE STRANGE-EVIL SPECTRUM

Everyone is a freak, on some level. But does your freakiness manifest as strangeness or evil? Strangeness can be being obsessed with the Elizabeth line, ironing socks, or having an eerie fascination with dishwasher stacking. You know it when you see it. Strangeness is mostly benign but, when mixed with being based and turbulent, it can be lethal. Evil is also straightforward. Do you seek to control, manipulate, and bend the world to your whims? Again, you know it when you see it.

3. THE ORDER-TURBULENT SPECTRUM

Are you tidy, or do you want to watch the world burn? Be honest, what you want is not the same as what you are. Eating 5-a-day and paying bills on time would suggest you are all about order. Meanwhile, turbulence is a predilection for danger and chaos. Perhaps you are Liz Truss, or the Joker or maybe a visionary founder or artist with a fierce penchant for mayhem. Your fridge probably looks like a serial killer’s – less Dexter, more Buffalo Bill. You may one day kill but not intentionally.

APPLYING THE SYSTEM

Now, the fun part. Take a piece of paper and draw the three lines on it. Or indeed print and cut out this one:

Think of a person. Maybe yourself, your best friend, your partner. Perhaps someone famous. Think about it for a few seconds but don’t deliberate too much – remember, this is a system based on vibes. Then draw a line that codifies the person. Once you get the hang of it, you can simply draw lines on your hand, on a napkin, or indeed the air as a way of branding people.

Let’s use Rishi Sunak as an example. Rishi seems fairly normie. He’s flirted with hard libertarian Euroscepticism in the past but now has a moderate normie affect. He’s evil because he is a banker Tory, obviously – that’s unavoidable. With his state-of-the-art thermos and technocracy, he’s deep order. Ergo, he is normie-evil-order.