I didn’t pay proper attention to the flu-like illness that was sweeping East Asia until March of 2020 (some journalist, eh?). And looking back through my calendar, I can see days unfolded almost as normal. I gave a talk to some students at Westminster University; I went on a Tinder date at a London bar that was noticeably quiet; I made plans to visit my grandmother in Somerset; I phoned my brother who’d been at the Cheltenham Festival and I watched Liverpool get knocked out of the Champions League.
I was brought up by my gran – or grandma as we called her – and I would make the trip back to the Somerset countryside around once a month. Usually, I’d be out on Thursday evening and back to London by Sunday night. On 12 March, I finally packed up a small suitcase for the weekend and left London. A year later and I’m still out here, stranded in the middle of nowhere, waiting to come back to the city.
The initial weeks of lockdown were easy enough. I was sad to leave my roommate and I felt like a quitter for abandoning our rakish existence in Hoxton. But perverse as it sounds in hindsight, the beginning of the pandemic felt like an opportunity to unplug and pursue some otherwise neglected ‘deep work’. Spurred by tweets about Shakespeare writing King Lear under quarantine, friends began to pen novels. I never rose to those lofty heights; though I did get through every episode of Air Crash Investigation on the Discovery Channel: a long-standing personal goal.
Nostalgia was a side effect of the first lockdown. Apparently this was a common response: ‘Ever since the coronavirus lockdown began, I’ve been longing for my past,’ began an article in the New York Times. I can relate. Familiar objects are comforting during stressful or traumatic episodes. Which was fortunate for me, as my bedroom at my gran’s house contains nearly three decades of memories wrapped up in childhood paraphernalia. For those fortunate enough to have these untouched sanctuaries (or merely too lazy to conduct a proper clearing out) the world of childhood things is an ever-present refuge. Indeed, coronavirus could not reach its nasty fingers into my dusty world of broken Subbuteo figures and yellowing copies of the Beano.
My bigger mission in Somerset was to shield my grandmother from the virus at all costs. She was 90 when I arrived and, while in good health for her age, was inevitably at high risk. I did all the grocery shopping and turned myself into a dishevelled hermit who barked at uninvited guests who continued to show up at the cottage – apparently oblivious to the lingering presence of a deadly pathogen (perhaps Marx was right about the ‘idiocy’ of rural and market town life). We made it to my gran’s 91st birthday in July relatively unscathed and I ordered a Chinese meal to celebrate.
In many ways, 2020 felt like the repayment of a childhood debt. It’s unlikely I would have reached my 18th birthday, had my gran not stepped in when I was a child. This is not hyperbole. My father fled, never to be seen again, after getting my mother pregnant. She subsequently remarried to a backwards country chap who was all about ‘stock’ and the ‘bloodline’ (yes, such people still existed in Somerset in the 90s).
So, I spent most of my childhood in exile at my gran’s three-bedroom cottage by the sea; me, my gran and Len, an old Welshman who liked to talk about politics and women and who became a surrogate grandfather. Growing up with a different generation to most of the kids at school meant I stood out, though I was never picked on or bullied for it. I used old-fashioned words. I turned up with a wooden tennis racket for PE while the other kids had metal ones. I dressed like someone from behind the Iron Curtain.
Len died in a nursing home in 2014 just before Christmas. A few weeks later I went to the cinema to watch Interstellar, a convoluted but compelling space adventure starring Matthew McConaughey. A year deep into lockdown, stuck here in Somerset, I feel like one of the astronauts in the film who spends 23 years in space waiting patiently for his colleagues to return. The first greys have appeared in my beard. I’ve become institutionalised by my own bedroom. The extreme highs and lows of the first six months of the pandemic have been replaced by an emotional flat effect. And yet, unlike in the film, my childhood bedroom lacks a hypersleep pod to slow down the ageing process.
