When I moved to London in 2015, my ex and I crammed into her aunty’s box room in Hackney ‘until we found our feet’. Each day, we walked along Regent’s Canal, fascinated by the boats huddled by the the towpath. We were soon obsessed with the idea of living aboard. The trouble was, we were skint.
Enter Uncle Dodgy. I knew he was eccentric – part oddball, part cool guy, part shifty – but I didn’t see this coming. He would buy a boat, my ex and I could live on it, and he would sell it when London inevitably spat us out and I returned to Merseyside muttering darkly about life ‘down there’.
I had misgivings but recalled what my grandad told me all those years ago, as we watched the model frigates on the lake at Southport Pontins: ‘You don’t look a gift boat in the mouth, Josh – remember that. Now run along and get your grandad 20 Benson & Hedges Gold, there’s a good lad.’
Soon my ex and I were browsing Apollo Duck – Auto Trader for boats – the way posh people browse Knight Frank: with genuine purpose and a glut of unmerited family cash to spend.
We fell in love with a Dutch barge moored at Hampton Wick. György, its gregarious Hungarian owner, welcomed us with open arms, followed immediately by a question: ‘Pay cash?’ We poked around. ‘We’ll take it,’ I said confidently, as if I knew anything about boats.
Uncle Dodgy arrived sporting a rogue’s grin, thick sunglasses, trilby and a ludicrous SpongeBob SquarePants school bag stuffed with crumpled twenties. He handed it over and skinned a celebratory joint.
After counting more money than I’d ever seen in my life, György disappeared with the sack full of cash and a twinkle in his eye. Looking back, it was the perfect introduction to boat life: eccentric characters – ostensibly shady, but friendly enough – loitering on the murky fringes of society.
Piloting a boat for the first time is a sublime experience – beautiful and terrifying – because there is no requirement to pass a test. Within minutes I was motoring along the Thames on the verge of crashing into Kingston Bridge and killing everyone on board.
