Dear Readers,
Good evening, and welcome back to Off The Fence, a gossipy newsletter for gossipy people, put together by the team behind The UK’s Only Magazine.
Issue 18 is well on its way to completion, and in the meantime, we’ve been inundated with beautiful autumnal snaps of our Sex & Nature issue, Issue 17. Theodore Referee procured this artful little picture of the magazine sitting pretty on top of a copy of the Observer, and secured in place by a big block of iron – very Martin Parr. Paddy Galbraith – star of this excellent XL Bully dispatch from a few newsletters prior – opted to juxtapose our cover with another magazine that had a big shiny fish on the front. But our winner this time around is Nadya Oppenheim’s backseat shot of the mag, caught in a moment of extreme emotion like Margaret Thatcher being driven out of Number Ten for the final time. A bottle of Bollinger will be on its way shortly, Nadya!
For those still without a copy, we have two points of recourse, depending on your current situation. If you are already one of our adored subscribers, and you haven’t had that visit from the postman you’ve been hankering for, drop us a line at subscriptions@the-fence.com and we will get one in your hands at the soonest possible convenience. If you have not yet signed up, now is a wonderful time to do so: strike now, and you’ll get our last issue, our next issue, and all your TF needs catered to for 2024. It’s £24.99 for twelve months and it’s the best money you’ll spend all year – we promise. Subscribe today, without delay.
Right then, let’s get into it. This week, we’re eschewing the spooky season in favour of football, farmer’s sons and the devil himself, Peter Mandelson. Buckle up.
A Thump And A Swerve
David Beckham’s Netflix series is just very good! If you haven’t seen it, you should do so. It’s interesting how he’s positioned himself so regally. For rather like the late Queen, he is the inscrutable figure of global intrigue – around which a family of lesser talents offer tabloid juice and reliable controversy. Or something like that. Either way, you should read the Times’ deep dive into the little untruths propagated in the Beckham-produced series, some curious stuff within.
One of the other producers on the show is Gary Neville (it is a little bit galling that Gary Neville is permitted to be a figure of moral instruction). The other is Beckham’s other best friend, David Gardner, who despite being a mere civilian, leads an A-List lifestyle. He was married to Liv Tyler for Lord’s sake! Gardner’s Instagram account in which he posts far more candidly than is advisable, really does reiterate that he is very, very, very good friends with David Beckham. The role of the ‘celebrity henchman’ is a fascinating arena: Robbie Williams has Jonathan Wilkes. Mossy has the ‘Katekeeper’, Fran Cutler. It’s a world we want to dig into a little more . Have you ever been close friends with someone very famous while leading an ordinary life yourself? We’d love to speak to you – drop us an email at editorial@the-fence.com.
Business Or Pleather?
The latest news in latex: South-West England breathed a sigh of relief last week upon the conviction of the infamous Somerset Gimp, arraigned on public order offences startling villagers in his terrifying jet black bodysuit and writhing around on the floor in front of them.
The gimp was unveiled as a farmer’s son from Claverham, Joshua Hunt – although keen readers of our magazine would’ve got this information before the courts. For a deeper read into the history and the mystery of the Somerset Gimp, head over to Kyle MacNeill’s fantastic feature from last February.
Got Wood?
We’ve all strolled around Kew Gardens and wondered ‘which of these beautiful trees would be the horniest of their kind?’ Well, wonder no more, as this question has been answered in more detail than any publication in the world would publish, by one of the best nature writers in the world today, Harriet Rix. Harriet’s interrogation of Britain’s Horniest Trees is one of the jewels of our Sex & Nature issue, and we urge you to get completely entangled in it right away.
Bourbon On The Rocks
Some spectacular crossover content fell our way this week, fusing the twin worlds of Italian football and European aristocracy like never before. The remaining members of the deposed House of Bourbon were photographed in full Napoli regalia, to celebrate the side’s landmark Serie A title win in May this year.
We were lucky enough to have the author Francisco Garcia share this famous victory with another group of Neopolitan exiles – the Napoli fans who congregate at Da Maria in Notting Hill every week – in Issue 16. Read it right away, and cry out like Charles of Bourbon Two Sicilies: ‘Forza Napoli!’
Cobbled Streets That Advertise Hovis
Last Sunday saw yet another iteration of the increasingly one-sided Manchester Derby, where Pep Guardiola’s petro-powered Übermenschen steamrolled the hapless United, three goals to nothing. Almost as predictable as United’s defeat was the interminable return of the ‘football poem’, read out over a gritty montage of Deansgate and Salford for Sky Sports viewers all over the country.
If you’ve ever wondered who’s been behind these little ditties, Hugh Morris tracked down and profiled the man who has penned more commercial poetry than anyone else, the illustrious Mike Garry, last year. It’s a sensational story, and you can read it here.
Treading The Boards
There might be some of you who are still unfamiliar with this clip of Tom Hiddleston unsheathing a truly terrible impersonation of Robert de Niro in front of the great man himself, but if you haven’t yet had the displeasure, allow us to give you the ghastliest of Halloween shivers:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfT-UZCA6Tg
It acts, in some way, as the perfect primer on Clive Martin’s latest piece for the magazine, in which he has made inquiries as to why (male) actors are so damn weird. It’s loaded with juice, celebrity quotes and a particularly wonderful Ian McKellen. Do make the time for it.
Line Us Up
Despite the collapse of social media platforms, we are somehow still having a good year, and growing nicely – but we would absolutely love to take in five more subscriptions this Halloween so we can satisfy a little internal target. Sign up today and make us very happy.
The Prince Of Darkness
You will all be very moved, we are sure, at the love story of Peter Mandelson, who married his boyfriend of 27 years, Reinaldo Avilda de Silva last weekend.
And 26 years later, the New Labour head honchos are close to the precipice of power. It is rumoured that Mandelson is chief advisor to Keir Starmer. But what of Alistair Campbell and Tony Blair? It would make for a wonderful piece if some enterprising hack would be able to map out how close this controversial trio are to the incoming Prime Minister. We’re not sure their findings would prove particularly popular with the British public….
Rewiring Chillingham Castle
Here’s a top piece of intel: we hear that Dominic Cummings, Islington’s most flamboyant thinker, is charging between £27,000 and £35,000 as an after dinner speaker. Rather than his long-rumoured political comeback, has he got his beady eyes on his father-in-law’s mediaeval castello?
In Case You Missed It
Faith Hill spells it out: if you dress up for Halloween as an adult you might be a loser.
Brendan ‘Boy In Da’ Koerner comes in clutch with a 7,000 word article on the man responsible for your TikTok algorithm.
Sophia June asks what makes a literary it girl, if there is such a thing (there is not).
An astonishing bit of reportage on how Adidas ignored a decade of misconduct from Kanye West.
Joel Golby gets life lessons from (Big) John Fury
And Finally
The 2034 World Cup is set to be held in Saudi Arabia, whose uncontested bid was confirmed earlier today. It’s a decision that’s fairly depressing but, at the risk of emphasising the predictability of past events, it’s hard to make a case that this wasn’t inevitable. The petrostate’s sportswashing blitz has continued at such a pace, they now boast a mighty foothold in football, golf and combat sports that did not exist just four years ago. The decision also comes less than a year after a Qatar tournament that may have proved the limits of fan or media resistance to our new reputation-laundering leviathans.
The outcry against Qatar 2022 – though admirably ferocious and committed in certain quarters – was not as wide, or effective as might have been hoped. In hindsight, it did little to dampen the event’s success or stymie the craven, cash-seeking missiles that make up FIFA’s executive board. This moral precedent having been set – not to mention that of a winter World Cup itself – it’s hard to conceive of a particularly muscular resistance to the Saudi bid that would prove more effective, especially given the rampant success of their other sporting projects.
Just this weekend, the great and good of boxing (term used advisedly) descended on the Kingdom for the Battle of the Baddest, a boxing crossover event in which Francis Ngannou took on Tommy Fury at Riyadh’s Kingdom Arena.
If you missed the bevy of stars who flocked for a seat in the auditorium – Luis Figo, Mike Tyson and The Undertaker, for three – you can rely on one man in the front row to get you up to speed. His Excellency Turki Al-AlShikh, chair of the General Authority for Entertainment, was directing the event and has been peppering Instagram with shots of him alongside a galaxy of slebs, always projecting the strained delight of a backpacking Spanish teen mugging for a photo in Madame Tussauds.
In a flurry of images which, it pains us to admit, becomes oddly addictive the more you scroll through, we reckon this photo-op with Eminem may be the pick of the pack. The future of sport is a giant thumbs up, stamping on your feed forever.
That’s it this week - we’ll be back next Tuesday with another longer outing. Lots of exciting things to come. Enjoy All Hallows’ Eve.
All the best,
TF