Food critics wield an extraordinary influence over the restaurant industry. With a flick of the pen, they have the undeserved power to make or break careers. They love to dish it out – and make a tidy sum doing so – but no one questions their knowledge of cuisine. The Fence has hired a Michelin-starred restaurateur to go undercover and analyse their oeuvre.
The first Anton Ego to get ratatouille’d is Jay Rayner.
Isn’t it amazing when a great opportunity comes your way? An opportunity so beyond the boundary of your capabilities that it may make you feel a little queasy. Like on the very odd occasion someone attractive chats you up. Your tongue starts to fur. You try to say something interesting, but all you can muster is a moan, like a cow mid-milk.
I imagine that is how Jay Rayner felt when he was asked to review restaurants.
In many respects, he’s my favourite critic. He bangs out funny copy and that’s what he’s employed to do isn’t it? Let’s face it, we’ve all picked up his column of a Sunday morning and spat out the muesli. Reading Rayner on form is like watching videos of Mike Tyson in his early twenties, lifting people off their feet with a crunchy uppercut. You find yourself watching the replay again and again, feeling really glad it’s not you in there.
But to compare Jay and Mike isn’t particularly fair on either of them. With Jay, the first figure that comes to mind is Hagrid. He even went to Haberdasher Aske’s Boy’s School, which sounds like a shop where Harry would buy his Owl Beaks from. An even better comparison is Mrs Jumbo. If you don’t know who that is then see if you can remember Dumbo’s Mum. I’m quite pleased with it. It works well: the ears, the hair. It’s all there.
But he’s a good writer isn’t he? Remember the St Leonards review: ‘If what you want is food as a centrepiece to your conversation which will entice you to thumb the picture button on your smartphone repeatedly so you’ve got something to show your dreadful friends, St Leonards is for you.’
His mean ones are the best, it must be said. The nice ones are a bit… nice. There’s no ‘nice’ comedy is there? It needs to sting. So that’s what I want to do. Review him meanly.
