We present to you without hesitation or deviation: the world’s first vibes-based personality taxonomy system. I know, finally.
SOME BACKGROUND
For millennia, we have categorized people into taxonomies to explain who they really are. Efforts to understand personality have always appealed to external standards of Truth. Astrology and the enneagram find insight in the divine. The Myers-Briggs Test and Big Five Personality Traits claim to harness the science of who we are.
Yet, the old systems are collapsing. Rigour and standards do not matter anymore. It’s time to invent a universal personality taxonomy system based on nothing but whim and vibes. Enter, The Based Evil Turbulence Index – also known as ‘BETI’ – the world’s first, best and only vibes-based personality system. BETI has opinions on everything from politics and romance to HR decision-making, celebrity commentary. BETI provides insight and guidance on all big questions. BETI is based on three vectors:
1. THE NORMIE-BASED SPECTRUM
Do you have mainstream worldview or are you ‘pilled’ on a subversive ideology? Normie is straightforward. You probably like missionary sex, Ed Sheeran, The Rest Is Politics, and think Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide. Whereas to be ‘pilled’ is to have some sort of unhealthy all-consuming way of seeing things. This could simply be free-market fundamentalism, Stalinism, or violent religious zealotry. Or perhaps something spicier, maybe you are a Ba’athist or are radically committed to a Bolivian mystic neo-Luddite movement.
2. THE STRANGE-EVIL SPECTRUM
Everyone is a freak, on some level. But does your freakiness manifest as strangeness or evil? Strangeness can be being obsessed with the Elizabeth line, ironing socks, or having an eerie fascination with dishwasher stacking. You know it when you see it. Strangeness is mostly benign but, when mixed with being based and turbulent, it can be lethal. Evil is also straightforward. Do you seek to control, manipulate, and bend the world to your whims? Again, you know it when you see it.
3. THE ORDER-TURBULENT SPECTRUM
Are you tidy, or do you want to watch the world burn? Be honest, what you want is not the same as what you are. Eating 5-a-day and paying bills on time would suggest you are all about order. Meanwhile, turbulence is a predilection for danger and chaos. Perhaps you are Liz Truss, or the Joker or maybe a visionary founder or artist with a fierce penchant for mayhem. Your fridge probably looks like a serial killer’s – less Dexter, more Buffalo Bill. You may one day kill but not intentionally.
APPLYING THE SYSTEM
Now, the fun part. Take a piece of paper and draw the three lines on it. Or indeed print and cut out this one:
Think of a person. Maybe yourself, your best friend, your partner. Perhaps someone famous. Think about it for a few seconds but don’t deliberate too much – remember, this is a system based on vibes. Then draw a line that codifies the person. Once you get the hang of it, you can simply draw lines on your hand, on a napkin, or indeed the air as a way of branding people.
Let’s use Rishi Sunak as an example. Rishi seems fairly normie. He’s flirted with hard libertarian Euroscepticism in the past but now has a moderate normie affect. He’s evil because he is a banker Tory, obviously – that’s unavoidable. With his state-of-the-art thermos and technocracy, he’s deep order. Ergo, he is normie-evil-order.
Now, it’s a waste of time to constantly draw three lines so we assign Rishi a shape, like this…
Here are some archetypes examples to start you off. As this is a vibes-based system with no authority but one’s gut, draw your lines as you please – this is mere guidance.
USE CASE #1: POLITICAL ANALYSIS
The UK has undergone significant political turbulence over the past decade – and it can all be explained by BETI. No, really, it can. In the age of populism, BETI reveals that we are returning to a dialectic form of politics where we see Hegelian swings across the axes.
Since voting to leave the EU, our politics has been structured by whipsaw yo-yos. After Brexit, Theresa May (N-S-O) was brought in to steady the ship. Yet the nation’s crisis-ridden political economy was simply not ready for such intensely Normie-Order politics following the deeply Based-Chaos move made by the electorate. Given the unstable equilibrium, it was no surprise that May would trigger a full reversal and installation of her psychic opposite, the Based-Evil-Turbulent Lord himself, Boris Johnson.
Someone of Johnson’s deep B-E-T credentials was never likely to be able to hold things together. Such radicalism was always bound to explode, but for the balance to swing back, his successor would need to differ on two of the vectors. Yet, Liz Truss (B-S-T), remained strongly on the right hand of the axis, presenting as based and deeply turbulent – but simply strange rather than evil. For the dialectic to be completed, a full reversal was required and Rishi Sunak, who we know to be N-E-O was anointed to bring calm to the nation and the markets. His likely successor Keir Starmer will bring a similar level of N-E-O, but keep an eye out for Angela Rayner (B-E-T) and Wes Streeting (B-E-O) who will be ready to knife him.
USE CASE #2: ROMANCE
BETI has a lot to say about your love life. The rule of thumb is as follows: if you are based, don’t marry a normie. However, make sure the genre of your based-ness is not diametrically opposed to your prospective partner’s. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and Benjamin Netanyahu – both based – would not make a good couple. Yet, Nazis and knitting fascists might. Normies naturally gravitate to each other, ergo normie ‘it’ couple Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. Normie-based crossovers are rare and unstable, though Robert F. Kennedy (B-S-T) and Cheryl Hines (N-E-O) are just about holding it together.
If you are united on based-ness, then it generally does not matter if you align on the strange-evil and order-turbulent spectrums. Gomez and Morticia Addams capture this perfectly. Gomez is passionate and eccentric (B-S-T), while Morticia is collected and elegant (B-E-O) – it works wonderfully.
If you are a normie, it’s a little harder: you must align on at least one other indicator. Ideally, normies want to align totally – John Legend and Chrissy Teigen are both normie-evil-order and it just works. Whereas Prince Harry (N-S-T) and Meghan Markle (N-E-O) will likely divorce due to the cosmic misalignment.
All in all, based couples can embrace chaotic and moral misalignment if the vibes are hot enough, but normies can crash and burn. Based couples are perhaps more likely to divorce than normies, but they probably love each other more too.
USE CASE #3: HUMAN RESOURCES
BETI is the first truly transformative business tonic since The Art of the Deal. If you are looking to shake-up your org chart or staff your start-up, then look no further. The rule of thumb is that you must always have evil at the top. A harmony of based-evil-turbulent for inspiration and normie-evil-order for implementation can work wonders. Logan Roy (B-E-T) is the ultimate visionary founder, but you need Gerri, Frank, and Tom (all N-E-O) to get shit done.
Below that, depending on your industry you need a suitable mix of personalities – creative industries thrive on strangeness and turbulence while professional services need evil and order. Beware, your operations department should be stuffed with normie-strange-order otherwise they’ll consistently cock up, try to take over, or burn everything to the ground.
NEXT STEPS
Now that you have understood the wisdom of BETI, it’s time to take her for a spin. All that matters is that you follow BETI’s five cardinal rules:
- It’s useful because it’s sort of bullshit, not despite it.
- If someone doesn’t understand it, always imply it’s because they aren’t clever enough.
- Any paradoxes in the system can be attributed to faults in the people using it, not BETI.
- Apply it to everything; there is nothing it can’t interpret.
- Defend it to the death; kill anyone who opposes it.
