That Ninja creamy has been sitting in your basket for months now. And you're not really going to buy that ceremonial matcha bowl, are you? Probably not after reading our unfair stereotypes of what your Ebay searches say about your personality.
Do you buy stuff? Do you not? As a person in this economy, chances are when you do buy stuff, you get at least some of it second-hand. It’s cheaper, yes. But also cooler and more sexy to buy second-hand stuff, thrifted as the Yanks call it, because it implies there is something specific you want and you are seeking it and, oh my goodness, you are finding it! Perhaps. Here, I will gently roast you for whatever you’re buying online, because that’s a funny thing to do. But please know that I know life is hard, existence is painful and, ultimately, we are all just desperate to find the right stuff.
mid-century furniture
Can I be honest up top and say I have no fucking idea what this is? If you showed me four tables and said ‘point to the mid-century one’, I would not be able to. Are we all just pretending to know what this is? I know the name Eccles, or sorry I mean Ercol, so that’s it right? That’s what it is. Actually, God, I’m sure you love Eccles cakes, too. Nothing beats a midweek lunch at St. JOHN eh? Right? Oink oink?
ninja blender
Hit me with a lickle bit of that farm-to-table home-churned pickle butter, bro. Slap on a fat wedge of mortadella, yes bruv, lovely stuff. Are you partaking in the new cultural low, perfectly embodied in the Instagram handle @steeze_on_place? Well, sadly for black pudding and wild garlic pesto flatbread blokes everywhere, it’s already taken. Social media aside, you’re probably looking to elevate the way you make sriracha mayo by senselessly blending in enough confit garlic cloves to make even your long suffering PR girlfriend turn away in disgust. For you, the Ninja blender is not a want, it’s a need. Like the wet pizza from Yard Sale and the secret trips to Seven Dials Market. You are this close to buying chef whites to wear at home. This close.
afghan war rug
OK, well, clearly you’re dating me and you want to break up. Please text me back. Just kidding 🙂 but please do text me back! The imported Afghan war rug is an instrument of terror, hear me out. Yes, owners of them should be listed on a website, but not because of the kitschy 9/11-adjacent content, because these rugs are owned by emotional terrorists. I know you’re gritting your teeth because this is teetering on the edge of appallingly offensive, but that’s not what I mean. That is not what I mean OK?? Single men buy these when they know new women will be coming into their bedrooms and they want to appear ironic, edgy, intellectual and also like they have a rug. Please, from personal experience, run in fear. Run!
miss sixty
There are three distinct Miss Sixty styles I remember from school: the ‘zip up the bum’ jeans (they zipped up the bum), the ‘sea urchin’ jeans (stonewashed and with a circular buckle, this was a reach) and the ‘knickers sewn in’ mini kilt (presumably to avoid corporate death as these kilts were worn by what I can only describe as 13-year-old girls). If you are currently searching for any of these Miss Sixty styles online with the idea of buying and wearing them today you are having a CRISIS. Sorry. Listen, you may not be 13 anymore, but trust me when I say you are just as vulnerable to predators who want to exploit your soft brain. Avoid at all costs: Red Scare, Instagram Explore page, Third Space smoothie counter. Clear the search bar. Close the tab. Drop the laptop.
a just stop oil t-shirt
Ooh, smart. Let me guess, you’re looking to get your kid fast-tracked into a north London private school. Or are you keen to show the boys on the board that you, rockstar managing editor, don’t play ball with big industry? Even better, perhaps you’re organising a stag do and want to make sure the groom gets body slammed by security every time he drunkenly tries to worm his way into a Wetherspoons. Whichever you choose, there are few more potent pieces of clothing to add to your FW23 wardrobe. And luckily, despite the UK’s rain-drenched climate, this is truly an evergreen piece.
ceremonial matcha bowl
Oh, cute, you’re going to cut down on your caffeine, your reckless spending and your carbon footprint all at once? So you did ayahuasca and realised you’re absorbing evil spirits from the ‘disposable’ coffee cup that touches your hands for 30 mins every morning before being cast into some great and nameless landfill hidden even from Google Maps. I don’t disagree, you’re probably lousy with bad energy. But while I commend you for taking this step, it’s for different reasons. Being a barista is one of the only reliable jobs you can hope to have in this climate. While you might be dreaming of a smooth home-whisked matcha with your paid-off mortgage, I’d suggest brushing up on flat whites and cortados while you’re at it.
