In France? Sure. In Italy? Why not. But in chilly Blighty? Surely nobody could stand it. Some can. We uncover the naked truth behind Britain’s nudist beaches and their stern, shrivelled patrons.
Getting naked at the UK seaside is a brave thing to do. The weather, raw sewage and innately judgemental attitude of the Great British Public all make the prospect of relaxing as nature intended seem, well, not very relaxing at all. Still, there are people who do it and designated areas for them to do so. If you are brave enough to consider letting it all hang out, The Fence is delighted to provide this guide to the Naturist Beaches of Britain, according to the people who really, really didn’t enjoy being on them.
Starting on the south coast where, one would imagine, nude-friendly weather is most prevalent, we begin with the Eastney Naturist Beach near Portsmouth. Google Reviews for the site by a local guide describe it as being:
‘On the edge of a disused military firing range,
it is grim and uninviting. Concrete and rocks
do not look comfy. Wind-blasted sunbathers
look equally grim.’
Part of the point of nude beaches is that they are far from the amenities we associate with conurbation. At Eastney, this has created its own problems for one Janet Wilson:
‘Not enough bins.’
Further along the coast, on a spit just past Bournemouth, lies the exceptionally named ‘Studland’. Some users remark on its picturesque nature, such as ‘Captain Andy’, who remarked that he had:
‘Given it one star because I don’t want
people to find out it’s beautiful.’
Others don’t quite agree with the Captain’s analysis of Studland. There is a problem at this particular nudist beach, indeed, at lots of them. The people.
‘Number of single men walking around like
meerkats staring at me like a piece of meat.’
‘Everyone leers at your genitals.’
Or put in simpler Anglo-Saxon, by Paul Walker:
‘Dirty old cocks.’
Local guide Sebastian summed it up thus:
‘Beautiful beach, but too many perverts.’
Further along the coast in East Devon, the Haven Cliffs Naturist Spot, is, if the photos are to be believed, undoubtedly very scenic. Some brave souls, like Brian Buckland, were disappointed:
‘Weather was highly unsuitable for naturists.
(Time of my visit December 2021.)’
The weather was a sore subject too for reviewers of the Morfa Dyffryn naturist beach on Cardigan Bay. However, more problematic were the logistics of getting there and stripping off, as Paul Crump discovered:
‘Couldn’t find it. Google maps [sent] me
to a dead end road what’s not been used for years.’
Once there, other problems arose. Dirty old men are clearly a problem on Britain’s nude beaches, but not necessarily how you might expect, as Leon H. described:
‘They charged us four pounds for the parking.
There is no machine, just an old man
asking people to pay him. I feel like it’s a scam.’
As ever, it’s the real glamour of British nudism which shines out. As per the review by Dave ‘Soapy’ Hudson of the Lakeland Outdoor Beach in Cumbria:
‘Way off the beaten track, down a difficult
sand dune track. No facilities, no water,
power, toilets, shower, but the rugby club
allows the use of theirs, however, it’s nearly a mile away.’
Even further south, at Corton Beach in East Anglia, there seem to be multiple problems, some solvable, others less so:
‘Far too shingley, tried to swim in the sea
but the shingle hurt my feet too much,
so I gave up, just getting my feet wet.’
‘The beach is not far from a sewage
out pipe and there’s a constant smell
of sulphur, you have been warned.’
‘Nice, quiet, not busy at all except
a few chipolatas looking at you.’
Shingle, sewage and someone comparing your penis to a small, thin breakfast sausage. The main question is why you’d go there in the first place, let alone take your clothes off there?
Yet, people do. Perhaps the most joyous aspect of British nudist beaches is that most of the complaints and one-star reviews aren’t to do with genitalia but to do with the nation’s generally creaking infrastructure and the fact that the denizens of these islands really do love nothing more than a moan.
Still, when they work, they work. As one reviewer of Brighton’s nude beach said:
‘Very liberating, really enjoyed it.’
