How do you spot a hard man? You ask the world’s hardest man.
Hard men loom large in British culture. Sure, America has its action heroes, Chechnya has its nine-year-old kickboxers personally trained by the President, but in Britain we have a sort of trembling respect for our burly bastards and loose cannons: we abide by their arbitrary rules outside nightclubs; we marvel at them riding around with Danny Dyer or Ross Kemp; we imitate them at a moment’s notice. In fact, I bet, in your head right now you are either doing a Cockney accent, or have done a Cockney accent since you started reading this piece.
But one thing we can’t abide by in this country is a would-be hard man, a faker, all mouth and no trousers. Problem is, some poser hard men can go years without being exposed, because nobody around them is hard enough to call them out.
Well, nobody could ever accuse The Fence of being hard enough to be judge, jury and executioner – we are, bless us, on the softer side of the media landscape, and would probably get a walloping if Fleet Street ever turned into West Side Story.
So, we went stateside to find ourselves a hardness appraiser, and got the right man for the job: Arnold ‘Bomaye’ Adams, the reigning and defending BKFC Heavyweight Champion of the world, and the most dangerous man in bare-knuckle boxing. The champ was kind enough to sit down with us and look over the first ten hard men that came to our minds, assessing how they’d handle themselves in the BKFC ring. Got a problem? Take it up with the champ.
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Former US President, Abraham Lincoln: ‘Haha! Not hard at all. I think he gets his ass kicked.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: NOT HARD
*
Activist and humanitarian, Steven Seagal: ‘You know, I’ve always questioned him. I’ve seen what he can do in the movies, but is he really capable of doing it in a real world situation? I don’t know. Everything he does is so slow.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: NOT HARD
*
Former President of Turkmenistan, Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow: ‘Yeah, he gets his ass kicked. Looking at his stomach, I don’t think he’s ever had a real fight a day in his life.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: NOT HARD
*
Deceased bodybuilder, Rich Piana: ‘Ass kicked. Just because he’s got all those muscles, that means absolutely nothing. All that muscle’s just for show, I’ve seen people his size get their ass kicked by twigs.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: NOT HARD
*
Northumbrian tree surgeon, Raoul Moat: ‘He looks like he’s been in some beer brawls; some 25 versus 25, this country versus that country kind of fights – I think he could hold his own. He gets a pass.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: HARD
*
Assistant editor of the Spectator, Isabel Hardman: ‘Nope, ass kicked. She gets smoked, she gets smoked. Christine Ferea [BKFC Flyweight Champion] smokes her, easy.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: NOT HARD
*
Ten members of staff at Aardman Animations: ‘Yeah, they all get their ass smoked. Done. No one’s left. Wait, maybe that guy in the back with the white shirt has a chance.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: MOSTLY NOT HARD
*
Scottish goalkeeper Alan Rough: ‘A goalkeeper? Ass kicked. I understand he probably catches balls to the face in a soccer game, but in terms of catching punches, he gets smoked.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: NOT HARD
*
Canadian scientist Allen Tough: ‘Yeah, not a chance in hell. He’s gonna be fixing his glasses the whole fight, not a chance in hell. The only thing tough about him is his name. That’s fuckin’ hilarious.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: NOT HARD
*
Former MP for the City of Chester, Gyles Brandreth: ‘Nope. It’s over with. He might as well just jump in the Thames, it’s fuckin’ over with.’
THE CHAMP’S VERDICT: NOT HARD
