146 Questions with Jordan Stephens

We ask some more stupid questions to one half of Rizzle Kicks.

We could not be clearer about the terms of this challenge: 146 questions, 146 seconds – no gimmicks, no softballs, just a timer and some silly propositions. Eighteen-stone goal machine, Adebayo Akinfenwa, got through ten; millennial everywoman, Dolly Alderton, set a new record with 12. Who fancies their chances this time around?

Readers, please, make some noise for Jordan Stephens, the ‘Rizzle’ in Rizzle Kicks, who joins us on the eve of the Brighton duo’s reformation. Having soundtracked Coalition Britain pretty comprehensively as teenagers – is there any song more 2011 than Down with the Trumpets? – Stephens and his writing partner, Harley Alexander-Sule, got out of the music game in 2015, breaking out into TV, film and all the good things in life. Now, older & suitably recharged, they’re back, and are marking the occasion in our lovely magazine. Can Rizzle break the record?

1. Would you ever live in Chicago? Yes.
2. How many people in your life would you feel comfortable lending £200 to? 15.
3. Do you think people get too angry about AI? No.
4. They say ska is making a comeback – did it ever really go away? Not to some people.
5. Do you miss Thorntons? In physical location form? No.
6. Do you think it’s odd that she is still known as ‘Kate Middleton’ in the public, even though that hasn’t been her name for almost 13 years? No. Don’t know and don’t care.
7. Are you worried about your parents’ screen time? [laughs] Yes.
8. Are you close personal friends with any Members of Parliament? No, I don’t think so.
9. Are Lime Bikes too expensive? Yes, probably, but they’re also great.
10. Do people minimise the profound, unutterable cruelty of Love Island? [laughs] No… I don’t know! No.
11. When do you reckon we’ll find out who killed JFK? We already know.
12. When do you reckon we’ll find out who killed RFK? I don’t know who that is.
13. When do you reckon we’ll find out who killed Ted Kennedy? Tomorrow.
14. How many of your family would turn down a life peerage? All of them.
15. When was the last time you blocked a toilet? Last year.
16. Do you have a personal assistant? Yes.
17. If yes, do you feel guilty about having a personal assistant? Nah, she’s bless.
18. Do you ever worry that all the personal assistants in the world could form some type of union? Haven’t they already?
19. How annoying does Jerry Seinfeld have to be before the show Seinfeld starts being impacted by association? It’s already been impacted, 100 percent.
20. When people say they ‘like’ contemporary art but show little interest in film, music or literature, do you reckon they’re a little bit suspect? Massively.
21. Are you surprised by Edward Enninful’s career trajectory? Not from what I understand of it, no.
22. Have we developed xenophobic opinions of Russian culture as a result of the war in Ukraine? I personally haven’t, no. Great poetry, great work, great writing there.

And everything we didn’t ask:

23. Have you heard the story about the famous British fashion designer killing an intern’s dog?
24. Have you heard the story about the intern at a famous British fashion magazine killing an editor’s dog?
25. Have you heard the story about the famous British fashion stylist accidentally killing her own dog?
26. Why do you reckon there are so many untimely dog deaths in the British fashion industry?
27. Do you think Karlie Kloss votes for the Republicans?
28. Do you think Karlie Kloss has ever had dinner with Donald Trump?
29. Do you think Karlie Kloss knows how to read?
30. If you’re being honest, are you a bit sick of the whole shared plates thing now?
31. Free clothes. Free holidays. Free meals. Which one is the best?
32. When people post Instagram stories, do you screenshot them and send them to a secret group chat created for the purpose of mocking this person behind their back?
33. When people you know send you letters (not invitations, mind), does it freak you out a bit?
34. People often say that Barry Lyndon is one of the greatest films of all time. But do you reckon they’re overlooking the weakness of the source material and Ryan O’Neal’s acting?
35. Do you think Kendrick Lamar is a genius?
36. If I told you that Al Pacino screen-tested for the lead role in the film Grandma’s Boy, would you believe me?
37. Why are the Church of England holding ‘silent discos’ in cathedrals?
38. Why isn’t headbutting more popular?
39. Have you ever met anyone who enjoyed a ‘silent disco’?
40. When people do impressions, are they impersonating the celebrity, or merely mimicking the last person they heard doing the imitation successfully?
41. When people say that they don’t enjoy stag dos or hen dos, do you sort of think, deep down, that they’re actually just a dork?
42. Do you find the wholesale embrace of emojis troubling?
43. Do you find the ero­ticisation of Colin the Caterpillar troubling?
44. Did you know they’ve been eroticising Colin the Caterpillar lately?
45. Are you superstitious about leaving shoes on a table?
46. If so, have you ever seen the Scouse musical extravaganza, Blood Brothers?
47. Are you blood brothers with anyone?
48. Did you do a little ritual?
49. Will you tell us what the ritual was?
50. Do you like rituals?
51. Do you like victuals?
52. Do you like Vittles?
53. Do you like Skittles?
54. You and four of your mates, in a five-a-side tournament with the most talented school teams in the country, under-6s to under-18s. Against which age group does your side lose?
55. Are there too many podcasts?
56. Are there too many novels?
57. Was it a mistake for Japan to open up to the world in the 1800s after centuries spent developing an independent national culture and belief system?
58. People who put cucumber slices in water, what problem are they trying to solve?
59. What’s the best thing you’ve ever stolen from work?
60. CBD – what was that about?
61. Which football club has the worst celebrity fans and why is it Spurs?
62. Can you distinguish between chillwave, vaporwave and dream pop?
63. How much should a pack of cigarettes cost?
64. Would you say cigarettes costing £4 a pack would actually constitute a significant public health risk?
65. Coke or Pepsi?
66. Babies or toddlers?
67. Celtic or Rangers? Careful.
68. All six of those things above, in a fight. Who comes out on top?
69. Have you ever used a trouser press? If so, what led you to this?
70. Have you ever had bed bugs?
71. What is the smallest space in which you could sleep a full eight hours in? (To the nearest square-metre)
72. You can go back in time and kill one person, but here’s the catch: they have to be innocent. Who are you murdering in cold blood?
73. Why did it take the English such a long time to appreciate that iced coffee is the Emperor of Beverages? (Non-alcoholic beverages).
74. Who is the sexiest MP?
75. Is it offensive to say that the Portuguese language is ‘rough on the ears’?
76. If you were to have a (non-fatal) heart attack this afternoon, which component of your current diet would you blame for your sudden ailment?
77. How much of a dent could you make in a wall, in one sudden action, without hurting yourself? No construction tools, heavy objects or clever answers.
78. Do people actually fancy Barry Keoghan, or is it some sort of collective psychosis experience we’re all living through?
79. Has your dad talked to you about Sydney Sweeney yet?
80. Shag, marry, kill: Duncan Bannatyne, Nigel Lythgoe, Simon Cowell?
81. Are you blocked by anyone famous?
82. Genuinely why is anyone still buying Veja trainers?
83. Have you ever smoked salvia?
84. Have we reached Peak Glasto?
85. Given her youthful sartorial choices and diminutive stature, is it a bit weird to fancy Sabrina Carpenter?
86. Nobody orders flapjacks anymore. Very hard to find a good flapjack. Why do you think that is?
87. You have to be in a committed, eight-month, live-in relationship with one of these former Liverpool managers: Roy Hodgson, Roy Evans, Rafael Benitez, or Brendan Rodgers. Who are you moving in with?
88. Isn’t it weird that everybody randomly stopped being vegan at basically the same time?
89. Which right-wing media figure gained the most prominence from the Corbyn years?
90. What’s your mum’s name?
91. Do you think Rory Stewart is a spy?
92. Do you think Dennis Rodman is a spy?
93. Don’t you think Rory Stewart looks like the Ice Truck Killer from Season 1 of Dexter?
94. Is having read receipts deliberately turned off on WhatsApp fundamentally just a bit sinister?
95. Which of these elderly millennial celebrities is the most cringe: Johnny Borrell, Alex Zane or Luke from The Kooks?
96. Do you find it odd that people are passionate about living in south London?
97. Is there anything shameful, in this day and age, about flying to Turkey for hair treatments?
98. Whole Foods. It’s really very good. But it’s owned by Jeff Bezos. What do you make of that?
99. France or Italy?
100. Italy or Ireland?
101. You don’t see many Change.org petitions floating about any more, do you?
102. Do you salute magpies?
103. Do you salute supporters of Newcastle United?
104. How long until Saudi money pushes Newcastle to the heights of global football?
105. What are your top three choices when it comes to assembling a cinema pick’n’mix?
106. What do you think happened to that woman who Gordon Brown called a bigot?
107. Isn’t it a bit weird that Shane Warne died so soon after being vaccinated?
108. Are you vaccinated?
109. Have espresso martinis become so basic that they are now cool again?
110. The London Review of Books has 74,000 print subscribers. How many of them read the last magazine without finishing an article?
111. With the honourable exception of ‘Loic’, why are the French so bad at boys’ names?
112. Do you know anyone who has trained as a clown?
113. Pablo Picasso. Died in 1973, at the age of 91, having been heralded as the greatest artist in the world for 70 years. You just can’t beat that, can you?
114. Are men – and women! – who cultivate a fusty, tweedy image inherently untrustworthy?
115. When did you last wash your water bottle?
116. Those big scrunchies that grown-up women wear make them look a bit like children. Should we ban them?
117. Great white sharks: overhyped?
118. When did London foxes become so audacious?
119. What is the most basic Monopoly piece to play as?
120. What’s the most beguiling month of the year?
121. How old were you when you were your most arrogant, or is it yet to come?
122. Have you ever slapped someone?
123. Would you?
124. Are handshakes on the way out?
125. Pigeon. Patridge. Eel. You have to feed one to Timothée Chalamet every day for the rest of his life – which?
126. Bacon. Lettuce. Tomato. You have to feed one to Nicholas Soames every day for the rest of his life – which?
127. If they were doing Thanksgiving all over again, they’d move it further from Christmas, surely?
128. Do you agree that the lyrics of Michael Jackson’s Thriller have very little to do with the thriller genre, and accordingly, the song should be renamed ‘Horror’?
129. Mountains or lakes – one’s gotta go. What’s it to be?
130. You’re at ‘All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet’ with a single 10” plate and 60 seconds to work your way round – what’s your load-up?
131. Will Gillette ever go to six blades?
132. Kate Thornton. Nick Knowles. Stephen Mulhern. Which of these perennial light entertainment mainstays is least memorable?
133. Who is the least-famous famous person in Britain?
134. When was the last time you acciden­tally sent a text or email to the person that message was about?
135. You don’t really hear about Save The Whales any more – have cetacean stocks improved, have activists given up, or have they merely moved on to other issues?
136. Oral and aural – why would you make them homonyms?
137. What is the maximum age you can still get away with wearing a full football kit in a casual forum?
138. What is the maximum age you can still get away with wearing a full football kit in a casual forum (shinpads on)?
139. Can you play chess?
140. Three years on from a global pandemic which made video-conferencing ubiquitous – how did Skype fumble the ball so badly?
141. Oprah: treasure or menace?
142. What’s the best salad?
143. What’s the worst salad?
144. Is the intense debate over ‘killing baby Hitler’ odd considering the same effect could be achieved by killing him in his mid-twenties?
145. Do you think that, if you were working for The Fence over a period of months, and in some cases, years, that you would bother to put rough text in the house style when working on a Google doc?
146. Do people performatively hate on brown furniture?