The visions of Ephrazim which he saw concerning Lizzie, daughter of Andrea, daughter of Jemima, daughter of Gertrude, daughter of Samantha, daughter of Jemima, daughter of Doris, daughter of Gwendolin, and of all the boys she loved at school, but who indeed loved her not at all.
I. The Desk of Zerubabbel
Now, there came into Judah at that time a boy called Zerubabbel. And Pharaoh said unto the people that were under him: ‘let there be made for him a desk, six spans by six spans, and let his desk be put in front of the desk of Lizzie in the class of 10B, so called because it is Mrs Brown who hath authority over them.‘
And moreover, let the top of the desk be lacquered smooth, so that the ink of those who would write upon it runs in smudges; but let the underside of the desk be roughly textured, so it is good to stick gum on, and makes a gravelly sound when it is written upon.’
Now, when Zerubabbel arrived at school all the virgins were amazed, for they saw that he was wondrous cute, with a wounded but gentle air and a black lick of hair that fell down over one eye.
Then was Lizzie’s stomach whisked solid, and butterflies did whirl and tremble down her front and spine in a pattern like unto the dove’s tail. And thus she lamented greatly:
‘The cedars of Bashan are cut down, and the oaks of Babylon are in disarray. The oxen are vexed sore and the lamb is lost in the night.’
‘I hath called unto the high mountains, but the LORD heareth me not. Why dost thou not hear me, O Lord? Art thou gotten too big for thy boots? And if so, could I have them? For I would be totally into a new pair of boots.’
But it did not soften Zerubabbel’s heart to hear of the oaks of Babylon and the Cedars of Bashan, nor did her farm-based metaphors set running the wellspring of his love.
But indeed her lament took him somewhat aback, even to the point of great offence. And at lunch he didst survey the hall that was set out before him and then sitteth he sat with Jennifer, and some of the girls did too.
But those among them that loved the LORD did not, for they knew that Jennifer was a bitch, and did walk in the counsel of the ungodly. And they judged righteously.
Then she went unto the girls loos at the time of the second break. Therein dwelt Nadiyah who was in the year above, which was counted unto her as righteousness and sought she her counsel. And she said unto Lizzie, ‘Thou triest way too hard.’
And so for a time after Lizzie betook herself unto the hills, and the groves which are accounted thereof.
II. Zaaphnathpaaneah in the fields
Now at that time the girls played at Netball and Rounders, and the boys at cricket and football. And it came to pass that the girls’ PE teacher made a division amongst the pupils.
And she said unto them: ‘Right! Foolish virgins shall I set on my left hand, wise virgins shall I set on my right. Foolish virgins, you’ll be waiting in a state of great unreadiness, taking no oil with your lamps. Wise virgins, you’ll be practising wick-trimming, lamp-oil guarding and remaining in a state of watchfulness for the coming of the LORD.
‘OK girls, wait thou for my whistle!’
And Lizzie went with the wise virgins to trim her wick by the wall, which was at the side of the ground wherein they played when the sun was yet high in the heavens.
And this was about the second hour, before the time that was allotted for double French.
Then there rode up beside her on a motorcycle Zaaphnathpaaneah who was from the year above, which was counted unto them as righteousness.
And Lizzie said unto herself, ‘If I can be seen to walk with Zaaphnathpaaneah in the fields and in the groves of Shiloh, then shall the other girls envy me greatly, yea, even unto the third and fourth form.’
And he said unto her, ‘What?’
And she said unto him, ‘Nothing! Thy motorbike pleases mine eye, by the way’
And he said unto her, ‘Yea, mine hog is pretty sweet.’
And she said unto him, ‘So, Zaaphna... er, I mean, so dude, what art thou up to when school is ended?
Then his heart hardened towards her, and he said, ‘Canst thou not pronounce ‘Zaaphnathpaaneah?’’
And she said unto him, ‘I meanst, thou just said it. So obviously I can say it.’
But he said to her, ‘Say now Zaaphnathpaaneah.’
And she said unto him, ‘Thou just said it! Obviously I canst pronounce Zaaphna... I meanst, obviously I canst pronounce the word thou pronounced just a second ago.’
But he believed her not, and so he went out of that place,even unto Mount Nebo, which is East of that coffee shop which is frequented by the Emoites and the children of Goth
And Lizzie greatly lamented.
III. Mahershalalhashbaz in the hot tub
It came to pass then that Mahershalalhashbaz broke up with Poppy.
Then Nadiyah from the year above called the companions of Lizzie about her privily, saying unto them ‘Rise up out of your slumber! Prepare ye his way to Lizzie, and make his paths straight!’
And the companions of Lizzie did as she commanded, which was counted unto them as righteousness.
And they came upon him in his hot tub, and they saw that he was very beautiful to behold, with lithe muscles, and a tousle of flaxen hair. And they saw also the top of a downward-pointing V did run from his hips to the girdle of his trunks, wherein the outline of his whopping peen was borne up by the bubbles thereof, and tossed this way and that in the water.
And one amongst them conceived that she should take Mahershalalhashbaz for herself, and said:
‘I shall rise up and haste to Lizzie, and not speak of Mahershalalhashbaz’s great big dangler, but instead betake my thumb and forefinger, placing them close, the each to the other, so that she conceive in her mind that he hath in the midst of his loins only but a wincy tiddler.’
Then she went unto Lizzie, and walked with her in the fields. And yea, when she spoke of Mahershalalhashbaz she did place her thumb and forefinger apart so they might compass a fig-leaf, showing by this sign that Mahershalalhashbaz’s privy member was not a great schlongeroo, but like even unto an almond, or a grape that is dried in the heat of the day.
‘Yea, I say unto you, Lizzie it was honestly like, dark.’
And Lizzie was sore with heart’s distress.
Now, then it happened that Lizzie was walking in the groves of Ararat when she came upon a man resting in the fields, and his nakedness was uncovered upon him. And Lizzie did see cast her eyes fully upon his dong, and the mightiness thereof was such that it was even, like, a little intimidating.
And the man started up and he knew that he was naked.When he saw that Lizzie had cast eyes on the nakedness of his loins he cried, ‘My wanger is evil in her sight; she sees the purple and wrinkly bits thereof!’
And lo! Lizzie beheld that he was Mahershalalhashbaz, and knew that her companion who had put her thumb and forefinger close together was treacherous, like as an asp in a child’s nursery, and had set thorns before her way.
And Lizzie went then unto Nadiyah for counsel, crying ‘The LORD is angry with me, he throweths me upon the rocks and sets me into desolate places. And even mine own familiar friend is like to as an asp in the child’s nursery, and walks in the counsel of the ungodly.’
And Lizzie swore then before the girls that she would remain a virgin, and not be known by any man, but would keep her body pure.
‘Yea’ she said, ‘I shall take unto myself no husband, but henceforth The LORD only shall be my husband.’
And Nadiyah pondered these things within her heart for a long
season, that Lizzie should remain a virgin. And at last she spake unto her:
‘Well, at least that way you can’t get pregnant.’