Today Rory Stewart made the ominous and inexplicable announcement that he wants to come and sleep in your flat.
Why does Rory Stewart want to sleep in your flat? And can you do anything to stop him? Now more than ever, these are the questions facing terrified Londoners. Luckily, The Fence has compiled a quick guide of essential tips to keep your property safe from Rory Stewart.
WARNING SIGNS THAT RORY STEWART MIGHT BE TRYING TO SLEEP IN YOUR FLAT
Have you just returned from a ballooning trip over the Cappadocian mountains?
Did you study Classics at a Russell Group University?
Are you a clergyman with a fairly active social media presence?
Have you ever thought of Jess Phillips as a ‘straight-talker’?
Do you visit the John Soane museum on Sundays?
Do you own, or have you ever owned any of the unpublished letters of Patrick Leigh Fermor?
If any of these apply to you, you may be at immediate risk of having Rory Stewart sleep in your flat.
Having Rory Stewart sleep in your flat is one of the leading causes of seeing Rory Stewart in his underwear.
It also leads to an increased likelihood of:
Receiving a signed copy of one of Rory Stewart’s books.
Developing an unlikely friendship with Rory Stewart.
Finding out whether or not Rory Stewart wears a vest beneath his shirt.
Remember: given the current crisis, the police are offering a temporary ‘Leigh Fermor amnesty’, and will not be charging anyone for possession of Leigh Fermor’s literary ephemera. If you are holding any part of Patrick Leigh Fermor’s literary estate, you should consider declaring this to the police.
If you do not declare your ownership of these items you run a massively increased risk of Rory Stewart trying to sleep in your flat.
What to do if Rory Stewart is at the front door
Do not open the door to Rory Stewart until you have completed these steps.
1.) Prop up a cardboard box on a stick outside your door, making sure to choose a large one.
2.) Create a trail of After Eight mints, antique Roman coins and Afghan curios leading from the front door all the way to a point directly underneath the box.
If you do not have any Afghan curios or antique Roman coins, try using copies of the TLS, Rory Stewart’s own books, or even pieces of scrap and waste paper on which you have drawn an arrow and written ‘A Radical Social Media Policy To Retake Britain’s Political Centre’.
(If using this last option, please make sure that the arrows you have drawn point up the stairs and towards the box where you intend to trap Rory Stewart, and not back towards the street, or Rory Stewart will become confused.)
3.) With the trap in position, tie a piece of string to the stick, retreat behind your front door and buzz Rory Stewart in. When he arrives at the end of the trail, tug on the string, trapping Rory Stewart in the cardboard box.
4.) You now have Rory Stewart in a box, and may do with him what you will.
HOW TO DEFEAT RORY STEWART IN HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT
The most effective means of defeating Rory Stewart in hand-to-hand combat is to first make him very sleepy by plying him with milky tea and cocoa. You can also tell him long, uninteresting stories about small frustrations you encounter in your day-to-day life.
Some especially effective things to talk to Rory Stewart about, once he is already inside your flat, include:
Premier League Football results.
Which politicians you personally consider insufficiently charismatic or competent.
The oeuvre of James Joyce.
Any recent changes you have made to your diet.
What you thought of the film Marriage Story.
Any of these topics should make Rory Stewart sleepy. Be warned! Too much diverse conversation may make him too sleepy, so he might achieve his ultimate, inexplicable goal of sleeping in your flat.