Clubs are shuttering. All music is freely available on the internet. The few gigs that remain are just a spin-back or Track ID request away from oblivion. Something, it seems, is rotten in the state of NuMark, and a clear-out is needed to stem the encroaching mould. Here are a few self-regarding tribes that The Fence have identified as ripe for disposal from London’s clubbing scene.

Brixton Disco Queens

Heyyy babes! How ya doing?? Greg’s playing a cheeky one at the Prince of W. next Friday, and we’re all going – me, C-C, Pates, Fran, who’s bringing all his housemates… there still some early birds going so try and book now, chat after work, laterzzz.

Haunts

The Pickle Factory, Phonox, Corsica Studios, Soul Train @ Bussey Building, mediocre after-parties.

Signature Tunes

Midnight Magic – Beam Me Up
Commodores – Machine Gun
Terrus Riley – Shes Royal
The Real Thing – You To Me Are Everything
Donna Summer – Bad Girls

Extra Tunar Interests

Secret cinema, browsing Rightmove, Louis Theroux, buying houseplants.

Level of Self Importance

New intake Tory MP preparing to give their maiden speech.

Ragazzi Ripetitivo

Come estai, Patricia, da quanto tempo sei a Londra?

HAUNTS

The Egg, Room One @ Fabric, scuttling around Vauxhall, hollering on the night tube, ruining after-parties.

SIGnature tunes

African Dream – Makin A Living
Wonderland Avenue – White Horse
Riff Cohen – Dans Mon Quartier
S
tephen Warwick – Racetrack Playa
Oren Ambush – Hubris

extra tunar interests

GHB, expounding upon the beauty of English women, S.S. Napoli.

level of self importance

Deputy Features Editor at Vogue scolding an errant intern.

Sincere Mandem

Shit changes when you get older, yeah? Like you gotta be on a whole different flex. You cant be mashing it at the rave every weekend. You gotta overstand it, yeah, there's more to life than this!

Haunts

The Ace Hotel, Dukes Cupboard, END in Soho, Jazz Cafe, Outlook Festival, living at home with their parents.

Signature tunes

Architects – Body Groove
Wookie – Scrappy
Sun Ra – Space Is The Place
DJ Zinc – 174 Trek
Mike Dunn – God Made Me Phunky

Extra Tunar Interests

Cooking curries for their girlfriends, making limited edition t-shirts, bad photography, trainers.

Level of Self Importance

Retired major-general handing out prizes at a village fête.

Notting Hill Chizlamists

Its so fucking bumout that theres nowhere to go out in London anymore. I was telling Tamaras little bro about how things used to be, you know, back when Fabric wasnt full of gritty Euros.

haunts

Laylow, The Globe, The winnebagos at Glastonbury aka ‘Prangtanamo Bay’, various basements around W11 and W10.

signature tunes

The O’Jays – For The Love Of Money
Gil Scott Heron – The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
Kiki Gyan – Disco Dancer
Idris Muhammad – Could Heaven Ever Be Like This
William Onyeabor – Atomic Bomb

Extra Tunar Interests

DJing at 21sts, ocean conservation, cocaine.

Level of Self Importance.

National Theatre advanced ticket holders fussing their way to their front row seats.

Jamie Jonesarians

OH MY GAWD DO YOU FEEL IT YET TAKE YOUR OTHER HALF MATE I LOVE THIS TUNE MATE

HAUNts

Queuing for hoodies at Palace, queuing at Starbucks for their boss, queuing at Fish, Wing and Tings in Pop Brixton, queuing for day entry tickets at Lovebox, queuing outside the back entrance of Village Underground to get a selfie with Eats Everything as he run through a puddle to his at Uber at 6am.

Signature Tunes

Format B – Chunky
Alison Limerick – Where Love Lives
MK – Burning
Solution – Feel So Right
DJ Koze – Pick Up

Extra Tunar Interests

Going to 24 hour gyms, talking about Love Island, talking about drugs non-stop, Instagram.

Level of Self Importance

Father talking to prospective son-in-law about his stockbroking career.

Tottenham Liberation Army

There needs to be a liminal space between commerce and pleasure for a city to function. A city is a place for creativity, for expression… I dont believe that London fulfills me in this regard.

Haunts

Phonica, SOAS, The Cause, Montreux Jazz Festival, Brilliant Corners, Field Manouveres, The LRB Cakeshop.

Signature Tunes

Nightmoves – Transdance
Objekt – Needle and Thread
Detroit Emeralds – Feel The Need
Shake – Music Is The Only Way We Can Communicate
The Rwenzoris – Handsome Boy

Extra Tunar Interests

Veganism, Adam Curtis documentaries, the films of Andrei Tarkovsky, discoursing upon American politics with strangers in smoking areas.

Level of Self Importance

Chief prosecutor at Nuremberg.

Illustrations by Nicolas Chuard