Clubs are shuttering. All music is freely available on the internet. The few gigs that remain are just a spin-back or Track ID request away from oblivion. Something, it seems, is rotten in the state of NuMark, and a clear-out is needed to stem the encroaching mould. Here are a few self-regarding tribes that The Fence have identified as ripe for disposal from London’s clubbing scene.
Brixton Disco Queens
Heyyy babes! How ya doing?? Greg’s playing a cheeky one at the Prince of W. next Friday, and we’re all going – me, C-C, Pates, Fran, who’s bringing all his housemates… there still some early birds going so try and book now, chat after work, laterzzz.
Haunts
The Pickle Factory, Phonox, Corsica Studios, Soul Train @ Bussey Building, mediocre after-parties.
Signature Tunes
Midnight Magic – Beam Me Up
Commodores – Machine Gun
Terrus Riley – She’s Royal
The Real Thing – You To Me Are Everything
Donna Summer – Bad Girls
Extra Tunar Interests
Secret cinema, browsing Rightmove, Louis Theroux, buying houseplants.
Level of Self Importance
New intake Tory MP preparing to give their maiden speech.
Ragazzi Ripetitivo
Come estai, Patricia, da quanto tempo sei a Londra?
HAUNTS
The Egg, Room One @ Fabric, scuttling around Vauxhall, hollering on the night tube, ruining after-parties.
SIGnature tunes
African Dream – Makin A Living
Wonderland Avenue – White Horse
Riff Cohen – Dans Mon Quartier
Stephen Warwick – Racetrack Playa
Oren Ambush – Hubris
extra tunar interests
GHB, expounding upon the beauty of English women, S.S.C. Napoli.
level of self importance
Deputy Features Editor at Vogue scolding an errant intern.
Sincere Mandem
Shit changes when you get older, yeah? Like you gotta be on a whole different flex. You can’t be mashing it at the rave every weekend. You gotta overstand it, yeah, there's more to life than this!
Haunts
The Ace Hotel, Dukes Cupboard, END in Soho, Jazz Cafe, Outlook Festival, living at home with their parents.
Signature tunes
Architects – Body Groove
Wookie – Scrappy
Sun Ra – Space Is The Place
DJ Zinc – 174 Trek
Mike Dunn – God Made Me Phunky
Extra Tunar Interests
Cooking curries for their girlfriends, making limited edition t-shirts, bad photography, trainers.
Level of Self Importance
Retired major-general handing out prizes at a village fête.
Notting Hill Chizlamists
It’s so fucking bumout that there’s nowhere to go out in London anymore. I was telling Tamara’s little bro about how things used to be, you know, back when Fabric wasn’t full of gritty Euros.
haunts
Laylow, The Globe, The winnebagos at Glastonbury aka ‘Prangtanamo Bay’, various basements around W11 and W10.
signature tunes
The O’Jays – For The Love Of Money
Gil Scott Heron – The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
Kiki Gyan – Disco Dancer
Idris Muhammad – Could Heaven Ever Be Like This
William Onyeabor – Atomic Bomb
Extra Tunar Interests
DJing at 21sts, ocean conservation, cocaine.
Level of Self Importance.
National Theatre advanced ticket holders fussing their way to their front row seats.
Jamie Jonesarians
OH MY GAWD DO YOU FEEL IT YET TAKE YOUR OTHER HALF MATE I LOVE THIS TUNE MATE
HAUNts
Queuing for hoodies at Palace, queuing at Starbucks for their boss, queuing at Fish, Wing and Tings in Pop Brixton, queuing for day entry tickets at Lovebox, queuing outside the back entrance of Village Underground to get a selfie with Eats Everything as he run through a puddle to his Uber at 6am.
Signature Tunes
Format B – Chunky
Alison Limerick – Where Love Lives
MK – Burning
Solution – Feel So Right
DJ Koze – Pick Up
Extra Tunar Interests
Going to 24 hour gyms, talking about Love Island, talking about drugs non-stop, Instagram.
Level of Self Importance
Father talking to prospective son-in-law about his stockbroking career.
Tottenham Liberation Army
There needs to be a liminal space between commerce and pleasure for a city to function. A city is a place for creativity, for expression… I don’t believe that London fulfills me in this regard.
Haunts
Phonica, SOAS, The Cause, Montreux Jazz Festival, Brilliant Corners, Field Manouveres, The LRB Cakeshop.
Signature Tunes
Nightmoves – Transdance
Objekt – Needle and Thread
Detroit Emeralds – Feel The Need
Shake – Music Is The Only Way We Can Communicate
The Rwenzoris – Handsome Boy
Extra Tunar Interests
Veganism, Adam Curtis documentaries, the films of Andrei Tarkovsky, discoursing upon American politics with strangers in smoking areas.
Level of Self Importance
Chief prosecutor at Nuremberg.
Illustrations by Nicolas Chuard